I really need to get better at this blogging thing. So much has happened in the past 13 days. First of all Josh asked me to marry him and I accepted. I thought when I told people, "Josh asked me to marry him" they would assume I said yes. I guess not. I have had at least 10 people then ask, "what did you say?!?!?". YES. Of course I did. This is my dream come true!
Until the planning starts. I'm 13 days in and I'm over it. Done. Finito. I am ready to go to the local court house. I know, I know. This should be a fun time and all that jazz. But if you know me, you know I don't handle vauge plans well. At all. Josh and I (and our parents) have been all over the board. Columbus wedding? Hometown wedding? Minneapolis wedding? Destination wedding? Vegas? When? Is January too soon? Fall of 2010 would be nice. What about spring break?
I am so done.
Let me just say I have never had visions of a princess wedding. I never imagined a horse drawn carriage or an elaborate marble hall with hundreds of people in attendance. Part of this is because when I was growing up, we never had much money. I knew from an early age that certain things were just out of my reach. I would get no new car at age 16. I would have to pay for my own college education. I would start my first part time job at 15. I was never angry over this, I just accepted it. So a wedding with thousands of fresh flowers, champaign, a string quartet and 10 bridesmaids was never in my head.
Plus, I went through more than one phase of I'm-not-lovable-no-guy-will-date-me-I'll-never-get-married-low-self-esteemitis. (You know you did, too. And therefore you also know there is no need to elaborate.)
Today I sit here engaged. My dream come true with an amazing guy. And I hate this planning crap. I know its "our" wedding and we should do what we want, but its also our parents' and family's celebration. If it was up to me, I'd destination. Key West on a beach or Napa Valley in a vineyard. Simple, small, easy. But would I be robbing my mom and Josh's mom of the wedding experience? This is both of their first weddings for children. My selfish side is at war with my people pleasing side. I have cried 3 times already.
Its so weird. I am happier than I've ever been, yet completely stressed out at the same time. Long story short. I just want to marry Josh. No frills, no big production. A wedding for us with our families and close friends. Why is that so complicated?
I'll post later about "Big Chuck Plans a Wedding". My father has been full of entertaining tidbits! Least of which is the sandwich debate. Stay tuned.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Inspirations
I thought it was time that I posted. Its been over 2 weeks now. Its not that I haven't had anything to say. Like Diana told Joe, "She's so full of random thoughts, her blog will be a good outlet for her. Josh is probably sick of hearing all of them!" I've had plenty of random thoughts, or as I tend to call them "wonderments". I just haven't blogged them.
I've also been in a much better state of mind the past two weeks. The 2 days off I was so worked up over in the last post were just the medicine and break that I needed. I was also reminded in the past few weeks of 2 people who inspire me beyond the words I can write about them.
Jimmy V. This past week was the annual Jimmy V Foundation fundraising auction on ESPN. Jim Valvano was a basketball coach (Rutgers, North Carolina State. Have you seen the sports highlight where NC State wins the Final Four and the coach can't find anyone to hug? That's Jimmy V). Jimmy V died in 1993 from cancer. He was the inaugural recipient of the Arthur Ashe Humanitarian Award at the 1993 ESPYs. The speech he gave is one of the greatest of all time. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you're emotions will be moved. In this speech he says, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
I watch this speech before all of my marathons (www.jimmyv.org). I remind myself with every step, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up." I have been extremely blessed in life with good health (I may have tendonitis, but I am disease free), as have my family and friends. I can't imagine facing something like cancer. I can't imagine how people like Jimmy V reach out and give the world an amazing gift in such a time of anguish. "Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever. " His speech, to me, is greatest of all time. Straight from the heart.
The second person is D.J. Gregory. Many may not know his name. They may have heard of the young man with cerebral palsy who walked the entire PGA Tour in 2008. Every event. Every hole. Thousands of miles. I had the opportunity to meet him in June when he was here walking the US Open qualifier my golf course hosted. I was in the middle of "woe is me. I have tendonitis and I can't run." Really, Kari? Selfish much? This man can't run. At all. But he walks as many miles as you run per year. Perhaps more. With a smile. With thankfulness. I have trouble remembering most days to be thankful. To take an inventory of all that I have and stop focusing on the one or two things I may not have. I have much, much more than I may deserve.
D.J.'s spirit shines so brightly. Please buy his book, "Walking with Friends". (You can find it in the sports section at your local Borders - my favorite store.) He is a wonderful person and couldn't have been any sweeter when I bombarded him with a camera and my oh-so-annoying personality (but at least I recognized him which is more than I can say when I met 2 running icons at the Boston Marathon Expo this year). He gives so much.
There are times I think that I don't have much to give. I don't have any disposable income. I would love to give thousands of dollars to my high school, to youth running groups, to eating disorder treatment programs for those who can't afford it. But until then, I can give in smaller ways. I can smile. I can give a compliment. I can hold a door open or help someone carry a large load of groceries. Its common courtesies. An ear to listen. A shoulder to cry on.
Jimmy V and D.J. are true heroes to me. Every day people who did, and are doing, what they can with what they have. Which is all any of can do.
I've also been in a much better state of mind the past two weeks. The 2 days off I was so worked up over in the last post were just the medicine and break that I needed. I was also reminded in the past few weeks of 2 people who inspire me beyond the words I can write about them.
Jimmy V. This past week was the annual Jimmy V Foundation fundraising auction on ESPN. Jim Valvano was a basketball coach (Rutgers, North Carolina State. Have you seen the sports highlight where NC State wins the Final Four and the coach can't find anyone to hug? That's Jimmy V). Jimmy V died in 1993 from cancer. He was the inaugural recipient of the Arthur Ashe Humanitarian Award at the 1993 ESPYs. The speech he gave is one of the greatest of all time. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you're emotions will be moved. In this speech he says, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
I watch this speech before all of my marathons (www.jimmyv.org). I remind myself with every step, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up." I have been extremely blessed in life with good health (I may have tendonitis, but I am disease free), as have my family and friends. I can't imagine facing something like cancer. I can't imagine how people like Jimmy V reach out and give the world an amazing gift in such a time of anguish. "Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever. " His speech, to me, is greatest of all time. Straight from the heart.
The second person is D.J. Gregory. Many may not know his name. They may have heard of the young man with cerebral palsy who walked the entire PGA Tour in 2008. Every event. Every hole. Thousands of miles. I had the opportunity to meet him in June when he was here walking the US Open qualifier my golf course hosted. I was in the middle of "woe is me. I have tendonitis and I can't run." Really, Kari? Selfish much? This man can't run. At all. But he walks as many miles as you run per year. Perhaps more. With a smile. With thankfulness. I have trouble remembering most days to be thankful. To take an inventory of all that I have and stop focusing on the one or two things I may not have. I have much, much more than I may deserve.
D.J.'s spirit shines so brightly. Please buy his book, "Walking with Friends". (You can find it in the sports section at your local Borders - my favorite store.) He is a wonderful person and couldn't have been any sweeter when I bombarded him with a camera and my oh-so-annoying personality (but at least I recognized him which is more than I can say when I met 2 running icons at the Boston Marathon Expo this year). He gives so much.
There are times I think that I don't have much to give. I don't have any disposable income. I would love to give thousands of dollars to my high school, to youth running groups, to eating disorder treatment programs for those who can't afford it. But until then, I can give in smaller ways. I can smile. I can give a compliment. I can hold a door open or help someone carry a large load of groceries. Its common courtesies. An ear to listen. A shoulder to cry on.
Jimmy V and D.J. are true heroes to me. Every day people who did, and are doing, what they can with what they have. Which is all any of can do.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Red, White and Walking
Its Friday night, July 3rd. Red, White and Boom night. "The Midwest's Largest fireworks" as it is advertised. We are not downtown. We are not fighting crowds or ingesting items that have been deep-fried. We did drink a beer or two. I decided to write tonight because I have something on my mind. I'm not sure if anyone else will understand this. My friends who have heard this rant before will most likely roll their eyes in a get-over-it gesture. I can't let it go.
My last post mentioned my current frustrations in life, or basically with my job. I decided that this weekend I would give myself a break. I am taking Saturday AND Sunday off. I am going to read books, watch TV, hit up Target, and, I don't know, maybe RELAX or something. At this moment, I am simply racked with guilt. Guilt that I have 2 days off in a row, that I'll be home while my friends are at work and I won't be a part of the "misery loves company".
Why though? Why should I be feeling so guilty about doing something nice for myself? For, God forbid, taking care of myself. Giving myself a mental break in the midst of my busiest season. An extra day to regroup, be alone, and just chill out. This is not a crime. This is in fact, pretty boring. Maybe sad. Yet I sit here with a churning stomach and down 2 fingernails.
This feeling is not new. My stomach used to churn and hurt daily. Anxiety is a common feeling for me. When I was in elementary school I had to stay home sick one day because I was too nervous for the science fair. I would waste summer days worrying about being an adult, what I would be like, would I be successful? Would boys like me? Would I be rich? Would I move somewhere else? Would I always be ugly and chubby?
The anxiety grew with me. High school brought fights with friends (low self esteem is a bitch), more worries about boys, bad decisions with my body and with my heart. College (all 6 years) was jam packed with anxiety and the solution I found for it: bulemia.
Anxiety cripples me. While you may see me still walking or running, still going to work everyday and continuing with every routine, inside I am a mess. Unable to trust myself. Questioning every look, every interaction. Each busy person is annoyed by me. Each short answer means someone is pissed at me. Every second shows me a new failure and why I suck at life.
So that bring us back to this moment on the couch. I feel like I'm failing because I am taking a personal day. I did something good for myself. But others are going to be resentful that I am not at work. They will be saying things like "Why did Kari get the weekend off? What's so special about her?". These negative demons are still in my head, still dancing in my stomach. I've done the therapy, I've watched my Oprah. I can say one thing in my head, but my stomach still turns. Prozac has helped calm the storms, but I am not numb.
I really hope that this weekend brings back my positive side. Believe me, I would much rather write things to make you laugh and brighten your day. I want to be a source of happiness for my friends - someone who makes them feel that their life is better because I am in it. I know my life is better because of each of you who reads this. Thank you for sharing this low moment (and the last one) . May higher moments come.
My last post mentioned my current frustrations in life, or basically with my job. I decided that this weekend I would give myself a break. I am taking Saturday AND Sunday off. I am going to read books, watch TV, hit up Target, and, I don't know, maybe RELAX or something. At this moment, I am simply racked with guilt. Guilt that I have 2 days off in a row, that I'll be home while my friends are at work and I won't be a part of the "misery loves company".
Why though? Why should I be feeling so guilty about doing something nice for myself? For, God forbid, taking care of myself. Giving myself a mental break in the midst of my busiest season. An extra day to regroup, be alone, and just chill out. This is not a crime. This is in fact, pretty boring. Maybe sad. Yet I sit here with a churning stomach and down 2 fingernails.
This feeling is not new. My stomach used to churn and hurt daily. Anxiety is a common feeling for me. When I was in elementary school I had to stay home sick one day because I was too nervous for the science fair. I would waste summer days worrying about being an adult, what I would be like, would I be successful? Would boys like me? Would I be rich? Would I move somewhere else? Would I always be ugly and chubby?
The anxiety grew with me. High school brought fights with friends (low self esteem is a bitch), more worries about boys, bad decisions with my body and with my heart. College (all 6 years) was jam packed with anxiety and the solution I found for it: bulemia.
Anxiety cripples me. While you may see me still walking or running, still going to work everyday and continuing with every routine, inside I am a mess. Unable to trust myself. Questioning every look, every interaction. Each busy person is annoyed by me. Each short answer means someone is pissed at me. Every second shows me a new failure and why I suck at life.
So that bring us back to this moment on the couch. I feel like I'm failing because I am taking a personal day. I did something good for myself. But others are going to be resentful that I am not at work. They will be saying things like "Why did Kari get the weekend off? What's so special about her?". These negative demons are still in my head, still dancing in my stomach. I've done the therapy, I've watched my Oprah. I can say one thing in my head, but my stomach still turns. Prozac has helped calm the storms, but I am not numb.
I really hope that this weekend brings back my positive side. Believe me, I would much rather write things to make you laugh and brighten your day. I want to be a source of happiness for my friends - someone who makes them feel that their life is better because I am in it. I know my life is better because of each of you who reads this. Thank you for sharing this low moment (and the last one) . May higher moments come.
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